Always a Natural Mystic.

It's my party and I scream if I want to.

2011-12-12T00:59:00.010+08:00

There are a lot of things that can make me feel excited. Endless normal things that I can blog about and relate them with you. But let me tell you one thing that I don't have the hots for.

It's weddings.

I know I should be thrilled about planning and experiencing my own big day, and trust me I've tried.

I just don't get it.

Sigh.

I can't say more but that I'm doing this wedding in spite of other people.

You know, I enjoy planning events and stuffs coz that's what I do for a living. But when it comes to my own event, it's just so unnerving. I've never enjoyed little birthday parties when I was a kid. I had to religiously beg my Mom not to even think about having birthday bashes for me every year. And I dispise surprises. I never complaint about not receiving gifts because simply, I don't like the attention and people being constantly be reminded that it's my birthday.

And so people assume that hey, it's my wedding, why not make it huge with all those hearts and flowers and stuffs. Maybe I'll love it and change my cynical mind about parties.

But noooo.

Don't get me wrong, I'd like to think that I'm doing a favor to the people that I love. As a token of appreciation for all their support given to me. And I can't thank you enough. I know I shouldn't be selfish. At least, try to be more accepting. Or if all fails, fake it.

But it's supposed to be MY DAY!

Ironic, I know.

People keep asking me questions that I can't seem to answer. You can imagine how their faces react when I told them that I haven't booked a make up artist yet. Or that I haven't finalized my invitations. I don't know how my cake will taste like, and I don't know what color will my napkin be. I don't know who's gonna handle the food department, and who's gonna be my emcee. Heck, I don't even know that I'm supposed to wear a massive veil when I strictly told them I'm not going to.

But I finally agreed to wear the veil (even if it's gonna break my neck) after someone heartedly suggested I wear a turban instead.

A turban.

Anyway. Despite my lack of sense of details on the event, I do know that I am excited to undergo a new life as Amy's wife and partner. I know that we can take care of each other, appreciate our times and grow old together. I know that we will enjoy our companionship even if it's gonna be a bumpy ride, because we both make a good team and we have our future planned nicely.

And most of all, I know I'm marrying the right guy for me.

You know, being uninterested about your wedding doesn't mean you're not committed to marriage.

Weddings and marriage is a whole different thing. Sometimes we need to be kept reminded of these things.

So since I'm turning into a new leaf for the new year, I think I need to be a less self-centred person, so I decided to play along. Whatever makes people happy. Because honestly, all I really want is the people whom has given me endless support and love to be there, hence for this wedding to be over as soon as possible.

Even if it means I have to deal with a dramatic reception, with impossible people to work with, and the tendency of creating a scene, breaking a neck, tripping as I walk down the aisle and puking at the main table...in order to get what I want.

A happy, blissful marriage, that is.

Cheers!

One Way. Or Another. I'm just an Elephant.

2011-08-18T00:34:00.004+08:00

There's this article that I read somewhere which I can't seem to remember, since it was maybe a year ago. I've always wanted to write about it, but somehow I wasn't really experiencing the content of the article enough that gave me the drive to share it with you guys.

But it is time.

I can't remember the whole detail of the article, so if you happen to read this and that it rings a bell to you, then feel free to tell me so that I can post the source out.

Well, bear with me, coz I might be telling it in the most simplest idealistic way possible, given that I have such bad recalling skills, yeah. Please be advised that I only remember the main idea of the story.

It's a story about three blind men, and an elephant.

Since they cannot see the elephant, so they have no idea of what it is. So they were innocently playing the guessing game with each other. The first guy touched the elephant's leg, and said it's like a tree, for its sturdy physique. The second one touched the elephant's ears and said it will keep you cool, because it's like a fan, and the third one said it's very defensive because it seems like a sword after touching its trunk.

And that's basically it.

I think.

They can only describe the elephant, and yeah everyone is quite correct, but amiss of the actual thing at the same time. So I reckon, none of them ever knew of what is standing right in front of them, let alone ride the beast.

What moved me with this story is that, you have to be blind to NOT see what's actually in front of you, but you DON'T have to be blind to describe the nature of it.

And, you have to be blind to always compare the person you're with, with other people.

So long as you cannot see who the person you are with at the moment, it's ultimately the same as you being a blind person.

So aren't most of us blind then?

It's hard, the fact that the person you are with never sees you when they keep on comparing you with other people. And the hardest part actually is, the idea that once people compare you with others, it means that they have already seen the best, and you are just some kind of a lame choice.

I've always believed that, comparing the person in the present with the person you knew from your past means the person in your past is never your past.

What does it matter if ten thousand people see you as a smart and beautiful woman, when the one person who matters to you sees you otherwise?

It's not fair for you, as much as it's not fair for him.

I just hope that this person can see me, because or else I will easily fade away.

...And end up being an elephant. (Not much trouble imagining it though).

Hopelessly.

2011-08-17T23:33:00.004+08:00

Hopelessly.

I love myself too much. It's hard for me to change.

You know I used to be genuinely cynical most of the times when I hear about people being too conscious about their image.

Cynical, doesn't mean I'm being insensitive.

You know, being a part of the PR industry, everything is about image building. You want people to like you. You want the stakeholders to respect what you are servicing, no matter how risky they might obviously be. You want the government and the big shots to liase with you, to support you. If there's a crisis going on, it is inherently VITAL for damage control.

And it's all about planning ahead. Being proactive.

No matter how impossible it is for me to get involved with these kind of things, it's already planted inside me. I studied PR for 3 damn years, you think I'd simply let go off those teachings just because I'm done with it, hell no. It's a part of me already, and it's consuming me to bits.

What ever happened to being natural? Being non self-reluctant? Being able to live in the moment?

As I grow older, these kind of questions constantly hit me from time to time.

I know how people strive for acceptance, for an upgrade in image mobilization. I know how to outsource the strategies and timing, the works for that. I know how to manage when there's damage going on, because it's all planned and specifically organized in the head.

I know how to make people accept you, for who you are, however incompetent and self-destructive you can be.

Because it's simple PR 101. Though risks are involved, it's proven formidable to fail.

But what happens if you apply this in your personal life? You fail.

At least, in my case.

Being proactive and shits, now it's time for me to just go with the flow...

And face ALL the image insecurities that human beings suffer, and deal with it.

Hopelessly.

I'm BACK!

2011-08-07T00:22:00.004+08:00

HELL it's been AGES!

What's been going on here???

This is my first post for 2011 and it's August.

Just a quick update. I'm graduating in October, I'm currently working full time in a PR Agency, and I'm getting married!

I know, 8 months can do a lot of things to you. If I were pregnant, I'll be due in a few weeks. Get it?

You know, it sucks not to be doing the things you love the most because you're obligated to do the things you don't actually enjoy.

Like writing. I have been absent for 8 months which is resulting to an extensive emotional built-up for me. Every thing that had been happening to me for the past 8 months were just crazy. It's sad that I couldn't update them from time to time, because if I were to retell the stories, they will be told in a different light by now.

Sigh.

I don't know what to say. See, I haven't been writing for 8 months and my brain is all rusty.

But I'm starting over. Today.

So I'm starting with an announcement.

I apologize for the those who feel weird about me not informing you sooner, since I don't have any of your numbers and I happen to have a boring online social life (I don't have Facebook) -

I'm getting married in February!

That means a good 6 months from now. Which means, I'm entitled to freak out.

Thanks for the wishes and will write back more frequently!

Cheers!

P/S: Just so you know, I'm getting married to the same guy, Amy. With all the hype about the 8 months timeline, I'm just worried that I was giving out the wrong ideas. So yeah.

Family Matters.

2010-12-07T03:36:00.002+08:00

There is a saying that the older you get, the more things make sense to you.

Yeah right.

The more I get older, the more things I realize are absurd and pointless. I make sense to myself, but suddenly, things just don’t go on that well with that.

Am I wiser, or am I that plain stupid? I don’t know, and I don’t care. What I know and what I care about is how I’m going to get through with these things throughout my whole life.

I’ve always thought that I’m a rational person. I can make a good point in everything I believe in, and do what’s best and fair for me.

But what if things start to not make any sense anymore and I don’t know how to deal with it?

I’m in Miri to attend my cousin’s wedding.

The wedding was beautiful, and I have to say, it’s the most elaborate yet smoothest wedding I’ve ever attended. I’m very happy for my cousin and wish her all the best in life after marriage.

I thought for a while that maybe, just maybe, after I get involved with her wedding, I’d fall in love with the whole big wedding during the process, and that I would change my mind about doing a small private wedding of my own.

But I can’t. I tried, but I just can’t.

I don’t see anything.

Is it intolerable of me to just oppose on celebrating something big in my life, with relatives sacrificing their time and money for it? Or that I don’t like the fact that I have to mingle around being asked tones of questions and having to charm and please every one of them so that they’ll feel happy for me?

If it is that unacceptable, then what the hell should I do???

Because seriously, I’m in such a deep shit right now.

Everything that’s been happening to me this break is just so. Overwhelming.

Am I not up to this? Do I need to take a break and learn more? Am I that dysfunctional?

Oh God.

I don’t know. But I feel so lost, and so fucked up.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not the wedding thing that makes me tick, but the works. The whole attitude and the things I need to accomplish and carry out in order to move on to a new stage of life – I’m just lost.

I’m ready, but I’m just not perfectly ready to face the people in my side, to accept me for who I am.

I’m so screwed.

I’m freaking out.

I never felt so strongly about this like this before.

All those insecurities, inferiorities, and denials I’ve been coping my whole life suddenly had an eruption and the most pathetic thing is that I thought through time and adjustments, and having a great life on my own would make it easier for me to cope with them and completely have them disappeared, but I’m not even making the slightest progress.

I’m not blaming other people for my state, because people have been quite supportive since they seem to be progressive in their own lives. It’s just me…I don’t know.

I’m turning 23 soon, and I have no progress.

So congratulations to me, for my greatest fear is filling in and it has gotten the worse of me.

Love is like Public Toilets

2010-11-13T23:33:00.007+08:00

The last time I sent an e-card to someone was back when I was twelve years old. It was for my Mother for her 25th anniversary, since I didn't have the money to buy a nice Hallmark card for her.

During that time, e-card sites were endless and free, I had so many beautiful cards to choose from, and sending and receiving e-cards in my inbox really made my day.

So I thought, hey, why not send something sentimental for someone I miss dearly? The most romantic thing that popped out in my head was sending Amy an e-card so that he can share the reminiscent feeling with me and who knows it might surprise him and made his day.

You don't get to receive e-cards in your inbox every day, you know. It's all in the name of Facebook Alerts.

So. I got sooo excited (since I never felt that romantic before in my life, might as well just get it on), and started to Google on e-cards.

Thank God my favorite e-card website still exists. So I finally found one really decently romantic but not all mushy-mushy e-card that just shows what I was feeling at the time, and as I typed and clicked to send, I was directed to another page. I found out that I have to be registered in order to pay 3 dollars to send that e-card.

3 freakin' dollars. For an electronic card.

So I thought, my bad, there are tons of other e-card sites in Google maybe I should check sites that contain free e-cards. It was so infuriating to find that all those free e-cards are just plain bull shit. Seriously. Even my Grandma can design something more artistic and cite much much better poems.

All those pretty e-cards are all at least 2 dollars and for heaven's sakes what is happening to the world today??!!!

Suddenly all those romantic feeling I was experiencing was gone. It's like a massive knock on the head or a major kick in the ass whatever they say. It was finally there and in a split second it was gone.

And I realized. Actually.

When you need to go pee, you have to pay for the toilet maintenance while actually the next time you go there it'd still be smelly and disgusting. It's the same with feelings and love. You want to show how much you like a girl, you have to give her chocolates and flowers. You want to prove how much you love her, you buy her a ridiculously expensive ring to propose to her so that she won't let you down. You want to get married, but you still need a pre-nup to sign.

You want to send a freakin' e-card because you miss your man, you realized that you need to pay for the non-existent postage service.

The cycle goes on and on. The results - unfailingly constant.

People take advantage of the good things in life for a price. And like public toilets, in the end, when you need to pee again and get there, it still remains the same. The only difference is that you might be paying much more to get the same disgusting results at the end.

I agree that in the name of capitalism, everything in life is never free. It's fair, honestly. We all need money and the money needs us to rationalize how we trade them for something worthwhile. It's a kind of a lifestyle, a sentiment. The air that keeps us breathing. I have nothing against the market and all its intrigue. But what actually got me thinking was how money can buy and drive emotions that you delusionally thought were all authentic.

People always claim that Love is sooo sacred that it's untouchable, priceless. They proudly say Love is something that you cannot buy, you cannot express with money, luxury and all those good stuffs.

Try caging your girlfriend at home and not bringing her to the mall in a month and you tell me, with all your pride, that Love, is free.

It's just. Amazing. Seriously.

We are all being manipulated by the big guys - the guys who sign the big fat checks. And the Media. These smart people know how to shape our minds and play with our emotions. They drive us to become contradictions without us knowing it.

The capitalists tell us to buy things to prove how priceless our love is, and the Media conveys these messages through its brilliant tactics.

I am not saying I'm against these people and blaming them for my foolishness and disappointment towards my e-card episode, but my point is, that I suggest people to be realistic. To keep an open mind about things.

What the Media shows are similar to whoever person sitting beside you - it's neither right nor wrong, you just need to have a good judgement. Just when you think Love ends with happiness, think why??? Why would you believe so? Because the movies tell you so? Can a movie wrap up and tell you how to live your life in 90 minutes? What happens after the movie? Does the couple kiss and hug every time the bills arrive?

Keeping an open mind about things means you don't have to be negative about the world, but it doesn't mean you have to follow everything that you welcome and register in your so-called open mind. Being open-minded is putting the ignorance aside, and at the same time that helps you judge and adapt these things in your life, and other people's lives for the better.

I don't believe so much in Love, for I don't think I would hold on to Love when I'm in trouble or even when I'm dying. I believe in God and Respect, and I value Trust and Effort. Love is important to me, but NOT the kind of Love that is over-rated and that can be easily exploited. I love my Family, my Friends, my Cats, my Lingerie, my Boyfriend, and most importantly, Myself.

Maybe I should send myself an e-card or something.

But shit, how am I supposed to pay?

Damn.

My Supposed Speech at Chillis. Finally.

2010-11-06T21:36:00.004+08:00

The fifth and final semester is officially over.

Next semester, every one will be busy with their internship and then will be busy graduating, and then will be busy with their new jobs, new plans, new life...

God how fast time goes by.

I remember, I used to write wrap ups on every single semester I was in, since Semester One in my Uni life. I just read every one of them just now, and I realized how much I've evolved, how much every body has evolved.

I never knew how much of a big deal it is, being apart with my friends and classmates because I'm so self-absorbent and slow when it comes to emotions, but now I realize Dayum, it's really over!

Hmmm.

Well, on our last final exam paper, we had our amazing farewell dinner at Chillis. After dinner, we all sat outside the mall and made our speeches. When it was my turn, I didn't have anything much to say because I'm not a fan of telling people how I feel, and yes, I was lost on words. Surprise surprise.

But. I can still write about it.

So here goes.

To Izie - Oh my little Ladhooo. I will miss you from the bottom of my heart. Even though we're never friends before Uni, I knew from the very time when we first met at Dewan Melati and my first words to you were, "Do you have any tissue, it's hot" - I knew we'd be best of friends. You were my PR person to update me about classes I've missed back then, you were my sister when I felt like I didn't have one anymore, you're my sunshine whenever I'm down. And God, you always copy what I do no matter how silly we look huh? Haha remember those days, Izie...you're gonna do great in life because you know what you want. I will miss you, Izie...awww...and you will always be my Britney!

To Amin - Ameng, you've been a tremendous friend to me, and all of us. You never say bad things about us, no matter how much we've hurt you (but you know it's because we care about you). I believe that you can do great in life, just. Give your studies, your future a thought and I know you will have the effort to be much much better than you are now. And I know it's possible. I miss having the endless night life with you, and following you to Taiping (remember going to the Mamak, to your school, to Tesco, to the Bus Station, to Oldtown, to the wedding, AND back to Shah Alam- all in 24 hours!) being with you was never a dull moment and I enjoy every minute of it.

To Nazz - You're like a big sister, and you're always there when crises come along. You're like, the peace-maker or something. You're so put-together and a complete individual and you can accomplish much better things to come. That's what I respect about you. Even though we're close at the end, but at least we had the chance to know each other and hang out, right? I wish you all the best in Birmingham and do keep in touch.

To Nita - My sweetest Starbucks buddy! I'm going to miss your squeaky voice because it's like music to my ears (now la, back then it's kinda whaaaat...?) and I miss being sleepy whenever we hang out. I was never sleepy okay? And Karaoke! Awwwh...and you did awesome leading our Perhentian event! And don't worry, you will do awesome too in Rantau PR.

To Faiz - You be a good man, Fushi. I wish you all the best and I will always remember our crazy times spent together - Borneo and Asia Cafe were the best! - good luck and hope life treats you well.

To Aieyda - it was a blast having to hang out with you this semester. You have a good heart and please stay true to yourself. You know better on what's good and bad for you and I wish you all the best in whatever you do.

To Farid - Ayid is so cool, he's like ice. You need to warm up to him because he talks so slow. Haha! But he's like a brother, always taking care of us, and the only MAN in the gang so yeah. I will miss having him and Amin to fetch me and Izie to class...

To Aida Johnston - Awww...I hate you! You're the only creature who understands what I say most of the time! "takleh masuk, sebab kitorang bogel", (Johnston, 2008)...'Nuff said.

And to my girls.

Anna - you're the most optimistic person I've ever met. You're the ultimate Disney Channel to us. I know you're gonna succeed in life, and I wish you well in love as well. I'll miss having to annoy you when you're trying to make a point of a story, or simply share our private nasty jokes to each other. You're kool, Orton.

Wendy - you're my ultimate 'over-coffee' sister. You have a great mind and spirit, and I miss talking about politics and life with you because you have shaped my perspectives in a lot of ways. I wish to see you reporting on TV, like what you showed me on our first meeting (Karam Singh Walya).

Beb - Beb, is the ultimate underground sister I've had. We've been through a lot of things, right Beb? Whenever I was in trouble, you're always there to help me. We're always high on each other, and even though we didn't spend time as much as we did when we're room mates, I'd still feel you in my heart. Stay true kay.

Ucup - We've been through a lot huh? Do you rememberrrrr.....??? Hahahaha! You're a great guy Ucup, and I'm glad we're close til the end.

So yeah.

If there's anyone left out, I'm sorry because honestly, I'm kinda tired. Well, if it's possible then maybe I'd post a second tribute. But not now.

Anyway. The reason why I wrote all of these down is that, soon, it's not going to be the same anymore, trust me. In my part alone, I won't be seeing you guys that often anymore due to a lot of things, but please keep in touch. I appreciate our times together, and don't be sad. Think of them as good memories and always be positive about the future.

In every ending, is a beginning of something.

Like in every ending of a blog post, starts with a good night's sleep.

Peace ya'll, and I love ya!

Cheers to Mass Comm!

Help. Me.

2010-10-06T21:45:00.003+08:00

Ten reasons why I can't go to our next event at Pulau Perhentian:

I get sea-sick.
I'm Thalassophobic, which means I have fear of the ocean, due to experience.
I'm Agoraphobic coz I can't escape anywhere coz it's a freakin' island.
I'm not the out-doorsy type.
Academic Writing.
Management.
PR Campaign and Issues.
Amy's going to Tunisia on Sunday for two weeks.
I'm not into group participation so no point going since people would hate me for that.
All in all, I can't function there.

But after lots and lots and LOTS of considerations...

PERHENTIAN, here I come.

There, I will try to make peace and help the little turtles, specifically which are named Management, Academic Writing, and PR Campaigns and Issues.

So wish me luck, coz I have some serious business to battle for.

Shook Me All Night Long...

2010-09-13T00:28:00.003+08:00

Hey.

First, I would like to apologize to all of my friends for not celebrating this festive season with you guys coz even if it's the holidays - I've been busy. Seriously. Mentally busy with all those assignments, emotionally and physically with family stuffs. I'm so very sorry I couldn't celebrate with you guys or even entertain you at home.

God I sound selfish.

But you guys know me better.

Anyway. Since I'm home for the break, I finally get the chance to listen to my old CDs. Some of them are misplaced somewhere, but all in all, I'm so happy that I can get down to memory lane with my music.

As most of you know, I am very liberal when it comes to the music I listen to. Well, not really liberal, I'm actually an old-timer. Or a Rock n Roll kind of person. Okay, - I have an old soul trapped in a younger body. Born in the wrong era, whatever they say.

With all those depressing assignments, sponsor-hunting for our next event, and internship jitters, I've come to realize how much I miss Amy.

Hmmm.

So, let's talk about Mating Songs!

My list of sexiest songs would be, not respectively, coz I can't seem to decide...

Whole Lotta Love by Led Zepplin
Whenever, Wherever, Whatever by Maxwell
In the Morning by Robin Thicke
Erotica by Madonna
Closer by Nine Inch Nails
Plush by Stone Temple Pilots
Stir It Up by Bob Marley
Welcome To The Jungle by Guns n Roses
Foxy Lady by Jimi Hendrix
Shook Me All Night Long by ACDC

There you go.

I think Rock songs are sexy. You can get in the mood when you listen to it. Think, RnB and Jazz music are made to seduce, yeah you can imagine those sexy, most of the times, fake women and men dancing and flirting around with each other through the rhythm, thanks to clubs and pubs. And MTV.

But.

Imagine strip dancing to Rock music. Like for instance, Motley Crue's Girls, Girls, Girls - with all those guitar riffs, and the sound of bike engines roaring, - the energy of the intro itself already makes you feel hot and wild. Oooh!

And, girls who can get it on with Rock music, are less likely to be fake. They just. Go for it. Have fun. You can't really enjoy Rock music and gigs unless you're really into them. Get my point?

My opinion. I love Rock music. But only those during the late 60's to early 90's. Those so-called Rock bands nowadays are just plain pathetic. Well, not all. Incubus is great. Very artsy type of Rock.

But still!!!

I miss Amy.

After all those ramblings on Rock songs, mating songs, strip dancing and all those bull about condemning fake people and freakin' MTV...- THAT was my only point, actually.

Oh Amy.

You shook me all night long...

Coz I can't sleep. Tahniah.

Nite people. And Selamat Hari Raya!

I was Born by the River...

2010-08-18T23:17:00.003+08:00

I think I've had enough.

God these days are baaad.

I recall writing about wishes (click here) back then and it's still in my head.

Do people actually ever wished they get an attitude changed?

Hmmm.

A change is gonna come. It's up to you.

Dream...Dream dream dream, Dream...

2010-08-13T00:30:00.004+08:00

It's been a while.

Been busy with tons of stuffs.

Lots of inputs for the mind as well.

Watched 'Inception' for the second time today. Damn it's the best one yet.

The movie is all about complexity, at the same time the idea of the movie just simply plants within your mind. It's about building dreams within dreams and the more levels of dreams you go down to, you go crazy.

How it relates to real life, it's just amazing.

I think the movie tells us that even the smallest idea, when you plant it on anyone, can grow and affect other people as well. That's why ideology is the most dangerous trigger of reformation of what is going on in the world. And people who dream too much, can't accept reality anymore, for their dreams are the only thing that is real to them.

So people, stop dreaming, and just work for what you dream for. Don't sleep too much. Or daydream. It's bad. Bad bad bad.

As for Moi, I find it hard to daydream. Daydream, from what I understand is when you imagine of something you want to think, then it just flows naturally like a story line. I tried, but they always lead to questions. They just stop. I have no idea why.

Maybe I have this mind control thingy. Or I'm simply a realistic person, whatever. Even when I sleep, I always know I'm dreaming, I'll be just waiting for myself to wake up. Like, when I dream of falling from a high place, I'd be sighing and waiting for a kick so that I'll wake up. Or I just wait and think, boy this place is higher than the last fall.

But being in a subconscious state is just scary.

Okay. I'm off to the sack.

I Don't Wanna Be Lonely. I Just Wanna Be Alone.

2010-07-06T01:23:00.007+08:00

An old man turned 98. He won the lottery, and died the next day.

It's a black fly, in your Chardonnay. It's a death-role pardon....

Two minutes too late.

Well isn't it ironic?

It's my first day of Part 5.

Everything seemed to be going on smoothly.

And you know what they say. When something good happens to you, the bad things just sneak in to you in no time.

It's like rain on your wedding day. It's a free ride when you've already paid. It's a good advice, that you just didn't take.

Well who would've thought?

It figures.

.......

*sniggers*

Mr. Play-it-Safe. Was afraid to fly. HAHA! He packed his suitcase, and kissed his kids goodbye. He waited his whole damn life, to take that flight. And as the plane crashed down, he thought,

"Well isn't this nice?"

And isn't it ironic?

Don't you think?

Excuses.

Bad, baaad habit.

It's funny that for my whole life I've been avoiding from making excuses, I happen to give them at the most imperfect timing. To the most unsuitable person.

No matter how much I hate excuses, I'm pretty much guilty as charged.

Well isn't this nice?

Life has a funny, funny way of sneaking up on you when you think every thing's Okay and every thing's going right.

And life has a funny way of helping you out when you think ever thing's gone wrong and every thing blows up in your face.

I don't know what I'm feeling.

I feel...

I think I need a rest. And I think I'm bringing myself into an awful ride. I know it's my fault, but can't I deserve a break?

Or is it just an excuse for me to get away from it?

A traffic jam, when you're already late.

A non-smoking sign, on your cigarette break.

It's like 10 thousand spoons when all you need is a knife.

It's like meeting the man of my dreams. And then meeting his beautiful wife.

Well isn't it ironic. Don't you think?

It's a beautiful. Foolish day.

Just wishing that tomorrow will be better.

And I'm never much of a wisher.

A little toooo ironic.

Yeah I really do think.

Problem Child

2010-07-01T01:15:00.004+08:00

The new semester is just around the corner.

This semester, God willing, would technically be my last semester. Because next year, I'll be doing my internship.

Time flies so fast.

Sure hope I'll be coping. Not graduating on time kills me. Like literally. My primary plans would be kaput if I extend my semester. Choy!

You know. I never liked studying. I never liked the idea. I actually, honestly hate it. To be frank, I only study because the freakin' system asks me to. And aren't we all are slaves to the system.

I never memorize notes. I have bad memory. No matter how many memory-related exercises I do, I'm a natural Alzheimer. Why? Because I never liked studying. Studying means you have to remember those important points and phrases in order to pass the exams.

I think that's bull. It's a waste of time.

Theoretically, it'll get you to the Dean's List. But practically? My opinion, you'll never get to practice what you memorize exactly. Because when you write, it's just scripted. When you finally take action, you will realize, sometimes, it's hard to handle situations based on the book. That's why I observe people having much to complain and experience those communication breakdowns and stress-related conditions when they start working.

Why? We may be book smart. But seldom we realize that it takes learning, rather than studying in order to handle those kinds of situations. Sadly the system instills us otherwise.

I'm not saying that education is not important. I oppose to that, strictly. I recently read articles about poverty and the lack of education among the people of the world. It's sad that money and education relates to one another, but it makes perfect sense at the same time.

But personally, if I were the leader of the system, rather than give my people money (like raising incomes and lowering taxes), I would certainly give them proper education for free. Proper education, meaning quality. Practicality. Teach them how those definitions, theories, philosophies, etc that you find in your text books relate to real life. Make them understand why on earth they are being educated, set a proper objective for them so that these people realize that education, is a life-long process, not just merely for money. I would want them to know that what they learn, not only profit, but benefit them morally, socially and emotionally as well.

It's so obvious. Think of a homeless junkie receiving a thousand dollar cheque, or an old man winning a lottery, or a native suddenly receiving a million dollars from a wealthy businessman.

How in the world would they spend it?

My point is, you can give people money. But don't leave them thinking that those miracles just happen to them to the point that they start to depend on other people. Teach them how to use it. How to make it. How to live with it. As the saying goes, "Don't just give a poor man fish, teach them how to catch fish."

Think. If Robinson Crusoe had a million dollars in his hands when he was stranded in the island, would it make any difference to his life? Would it buy him a shelter, or his way back home?

It's that simple. Am not saying that money is at all not important. But it requires intellect beyond books and texts to get a good life, because it gives you perspective.

So back to my studies, I know on the surface I do look like I don't give a damn about education. I give the impression of how much I'm not committed to my studies, or not take it as seriously as other students. I admit. I've always carry myself that way ever since the first day I went to kindie. And skipping classes, and school, is like my cup of tea. It's a part of me that I actually love.

But here's my say.

I never liked studying. I never liked going to school, doing the same thing over and over again, while in the end it gets me nowhere. I never liked going to classes because what I study is just an excuse for a formal, complicated way of doing things. It's like listing with bullets and specific formats on how to take a crap. And the stupid thing is, if you list it with the wrong words or with more simpler steps, even if the message is right, they cut off 5% of your marks.

Isn't that just impossible? Who are you to cut off my mark just because I explain the exact same thing on 'how to shit yourself' with a more simpler way of writing it? You think in real life I have to go to the toilet and oh, gosh I forgot this one step and check out the list before I poop, so I have to do it all over again?

So do you get my point?

My point is, what's the point? What's the point of studying, when you can't learn from it?

I'm a cynic. Seriously. It's so natural for me to think cynically first, critical second, and feel later. That's why my friends say I'm slow when it comes to information. It's hard for me to not to have sarcastic points of view of things that I listen in lectures. I have too many questions that might not sound like they relate to the lectures, but hell I believe in time they do.

I get all my report cards with remarks saying I'm a problem student. Even when I excel in my studies teachers say I have an attitude problem. When I asked them what is it, because if I have something bad I would certainly try to adapt to change, but every one of them answered, "you're too silent."

Whoa...I didn't know being silent is such a big no-no at school.

How in the world is that such a problem? Please, tell me. Because I don't see it as a problem if you're a silent type, as long as you do your work. Right? Correct me if I'm wrong.

I always live by the saying, "Silence can make the stupidest man smart."

Maybe I am stupid. Or maybe I am a bad ass student whenever I tell my thoughts on things.

But hell, I never bother people around with my stupidity. Nor my intellect as well.

I don't give excuses to skip classes. I just don't want to go. And if I go, I have my reasons.

So cheers everyone, for the next semester. See you guys in class!

Or not.

The Verdict? Guilty. We ALL Are.

2010-06-29T00:15:00.006+08:00

You're walking on the streets, you see a homeless, persistent beggar. You hate to be bothered by him, so you give him a penny. Then suddenly, a bunch of other beggars comes out of nowhere and ask for more.

You get so irritated, then you start to think. Damn, these people should at least try to get a job for someone. Or hell, so much for a civilized nation, why won't the Government just take them away or at least subsidize them for food so that they stop bothering you already.

Or, like unwanted animals, kill them already for all you care. They're as dysfunctional as a bunch of rodents. Why bother letting them live a hard life?

Then you sit down on your favorite coffee shop, and take your time reading the morning paper. A current case of an underage driver being shot to death just because the cops misidentified him to a thief caught your attention.

You start to think more critically. It's the cops' fault to randomly killed the kid, yeah. But then you think, the kid had no driver's license and it was his fault to run away from the cops which resulted to suspicious activity right? You read on. The kid's family said he was so innocent, he didn't deserve to be killed that way. You thought yeah right. It's the parents' fault he ended up that way. What an excuse to cover up all the guilt.

You sip your coffee, and throw away your cigarette bud carelessly to the pavement. Who cares. It's a public place, it's not that you have to clean it up for yourself.

Then your best friend arrives. He wants to discuss about the money he is about to lend from you. He's in between jobs and he has nobody to turn to beside you. He's counting on you, and although he's a bit foolish about his life, you know you can help him. He's your best friend. There's more to life to him than where he stands now, you think. So you agree to lend him the money.

Suddenly, your Mom calls from home with a breaking news. She tells you that your childhood friend's little sister was raped after an innocent night out with her friends. You feel upset. She's just a little girl from a sweet family, and you know she doesn't deserve such a thing. How can a little night out can lead to such a tragedy? You feel very strongly towards this and will take action if anybody has done something unjust towards this case.

So you walk home with your best friend. Your best friend throws his cigarette bud randomly outside your apartment and you freak out. Your landlord hates dirty floors, and you could be blamed for that. Plus. He will make you clean the floor.

Then you start to feel upset again. You complain, after what just happen to your best friend, your friend's little sister, and the freakin' cigarette bud, about how people can be so insensitive and inconsiderate nowadays. You feel like you don't understand the world anymore.

So why do you think, for a second, that the Government should consider killing the nation's beggars while your best friend is actually one of them? Why do you think the kid deserved being shot due to his family's lousy upbringing, while your friend's family let their daughter go out in the middle of the night for a so-called innocent night out with her friends?

And hell, why would you feel so upset with cleaning the floor just once, while actually you litter all around the streets thousands of times?

Double standard much?

My points are.

Be it hopes, dreams, trusts, or even their bodies - it's easier to kill them when you don't know them.

When something bad happens to someone you know and care for, it's hard not to take sides.

Laws and ethics are only brilliant when you can get away from them.

And most of all - we only think critically towards things that just happen to people we don't know - but once these things happen to the people that are connected with us, we start to feel.

And when you start to question the world, I think why not question ourselves first?

Foolish, we are. But it's hard not to be.

Don't you think?

Fruitcake. Yummy.

2010-06-21T01:09:00.005+08:00

The last time I flew away from the country was back in 2004. And that was just to Singapore for a New Year's celebration party.

So I feel kinda old here. Long time no party, no social life, no impromptu travels...

I'm sooo gonna mess up my diet.

I'm sooo gonna be broke.

I'm sooo not in the mood to travel.

But what the hell. The malls in Bandung would be happy to receive me. And I will contribute to their economy for the five days I live and breathe there.

Ooh. My blog has a new design! Though I'm not all Rainbows and Sunshine at heart, but it won't hurt if I happen to like the colors, right?

Maybe I should try being Rainbows and Sunshine...or a fruitcake for all I care.

Hope you guys like it though. I'm off to the sack, good night!

Tagged by Nita.

2010-06-20T19:17:00.006+08:00

Sorry it took me months to do this. More tags from you to be updated soon. Love you hon! :)

USING ONLY ONE WORD! It's not as easy as you might think! Copy and change the answers to suit you and pass it on. It's really hard to only use one word answers. Be sure to tag the person you received it from!

Where is your cell phone?

There

Your hair?

Messy

Your mother?

Tiny

Your father?

Don

Your favorite place?

Wonderland

Your dream last night?

Puzzling.

Your favorite drink?

Water

What room you are in?

Bedroom

Your hobby?

Read-Write.

Your fear?

Dysfunctional

Where do you want to be in 6 years?

Around.

Where were you last night?

Somewhere.

Muffins?

Cupcakes

Wish list item?

in-progress

Where you grew up?

Miri

Last thing you did?

Blink.

What are you wearing?

patience..?

Your TV?

none.

Your pet(s)?

naughteee!

Friends?

Quality.

Your life?

Learning.

Your mood?

Content.

Missing someone?

yeah

Car?

SUV

Something you're not wearing?

socks?

Your favorite store?

impossible.

Your favorite color?

depends

When is the last time you laughed?

today

Last time you cried?

huh?

Who will resend this?

you.

One place that I go to over and over?

Wonderland

One person who emails me regularly?

Twitter..??

Dorian Gray

2010-06-17T02:29:00.002+08:00

If you have a life-like portrait of yourself painted, and it suddenly changes according to your soul in time...how would it really look like?

Pure? Stagnant? Lifeless? Or dead ugly?

The funny thing about the art of appearance is that if you're creative enough, it covers just almost everything. You never know a professional thief by his charm. You would never know a king when he's in a peasant shirt. You would never know that that average Joe in blue jeans would break your heart. You would never know that someone you know has a AIDS or a kidney-failure, if you won't bother because he looks healthy.

You will never know, because it's all covered and beautiful.

It would be easier, if those paintings exist. You could just look and judge at the paintings just to know whether a person is good or compatible enough of it's worth.

But anyway. Superficial or not, I believe that every person is guilty of a bad thing. You cannot expect people to be perfect. That's when you should imagine your own painting, and how does it relate to your soul, before judging others.

In my opinion though, when you meet up with someone who has a bad soul, like a really really bad, rotting, foul-smelling soul, even if you never knew the person before, you don't really need to see the person's painting. Regardless of his/her beauty, charm, etc. You just know. Because since God didn't create such paintings to every human beings (God it would be messy), you can still see those souls in their eyes.

Don't you think so? I think so.

So if you think you can get away with it, think twice. You might charm all the people you meet for all I care, but your soul will eventually show to the person you care for and cannot live without. And when that time comes, if you still have a mean soul, I bet all the people you charmed don't mean anything to you anymore.

.......

It's 3 am and talking about souls and life-like paintings and warning people off make me feel like a witch.

Awesome.

Anyway. I always imagined my own soul portrait...I don't really like what I see, but at the same time it's not that scary. Like, I still can see myself clearly, but it's molding and stupid-looking.

I guess I should get myself some SOUL POWER!!!

Cheesy.

...so good night my fellow night humans, and I will see you in your dreamssss...~~

Merry meet again my pre-tteeee....And the little dog too!

Sorry guys, can't help it.

Wishful Thinking.

2010-06-17T01:19:00.004+08:00

If I were to come across a magic lamp and rub it, and suddenly a genie appears and offers me three wishes...

I'd seriously run away.

Who in the right mind would be cool enough to face a genie? Seriously. People are so caught up with the wishes, they never thought of imagining how the genie would look like and how it can haunt them at night.

But still. I asked myself a lot of times about having three wishes for free, I always have no answer to what I would wish for.

It's not about being greedy or anything, it's just. Too good to be true.

I mean, nothing in the world is free. And nothing in the world happens unless you've done something for it.

You see, the thing about wishes is just bull. It won't happen unless you work for it. Wish for health, you gotta live healthy. Wish for wealth, you gotta work smart. Wish for beauty, you gotta be confident. Wish for the cure to Cancer, you gotta do more research. Wish for a lasting relationship, you gotta be real good.

Think. If you miraculously had those wishes for free, wouldn't you learn something from life? Would that be good for you in the long run? Would you be proud of yourself?

Here's a picture. You meet an old friend and she says you look good and fit, and asks your secret. Which would you feel better saying, "I suddenly look good overnight, thanks to the genie" or, "I live a good life, with great people to talk to and lots of exercise, it's all worth it."?

See? The world would be a better place if you work for it. You can't expect miracles to just happen. Miracles just happen to people who deserve them, due to the things they did or say or will do or say, whether or not they are aware of it.

All the good and bad things happening around the world - they will never change. It's neither a good or a bad thing. It balances perfectly. It makes the world go round. People who do bad things will get bad results whether directly or indirectly, and vice versa. And how they get it is where the other people are involved, and when the other people do bad things to one another, then they get bad things in return. And the so the cycle goes.

And when people question God for the evils in the world, have a little perspective. Most people claim and agree that God invented people, and guidelines and consequences for them to live. That's when the people start to think and do things. If they don't follow the guidelines, they get consequences. Same goes to those who follow. It's a never-ending thing. And would it be fair and logic to the people in general, if God just creates the perfect world peace when there are still so much evil in the world, and people still never learned from it?

My point is, good things and bad things are epidemic. They are strictly contagious. Hence, we should take note that everything you do or complain about and all those bad stuffs happening that you would never understand comes from you yourself. It's your life, your responsibility. If you want a good life, then do it goodly. If you just follow the guidelines, you get something good in return, and if you maintain that, people would not take advantage of you, or back stab you, fuck you in the ass, whatever. And when people don't do that to one another, means they are following the guidelines of a good life. And suddenly, the world would become a better place.

And still, people blame God. How logical.

I sometimes wonder, do people ever thought of wishing they had their attitudes changed?

Or maybe that's just wishful thinking?

Just my two cents.

A Letter from Him. Regarding the World Cup of course.

2010-06-15T14:39:00.013+08:00

Dear Wife/ Sweetheart/Girl Friend/ Partner/whomever it may concern,

1. Between 11 June and 11 July 2010, you should read the sport section of the newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the World of Soccer, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. If you fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you will be totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.

2. During the World Cup, the television is mine, at all times, without any exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, you will lose it (your eye).

3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don't mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me.

4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick up the baby that just fell on the floor....It won't happen.

5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on (excluding your body parts), and please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return,you will be allowed to use thhe TV between 12am and 6am, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day.

6. Please, please, please!! If you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, DO NOT say "get over it, it's only a game", or "don't worry, they'll win next time". If you say these things, you will only make me angrier aand I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about football than me and your so called "words of encouragement"" will only lead to a break up or divorce.

7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to mme during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if the half time scores is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying "one" game ; hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to "spend time together".

8. The replays of the goals are very important. I don't care if I have seen them or I haven't seen them, I want to see them again, Many times.

9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related partiees or gatherings that requires my attendance because:

a)) I will not go, b)) I will not go, and c)) I will not go.

10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his housee on a Sunday to watch a game, we will be there in a flash.

11. The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as importannt as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying "but you have already seeen this...why don't you change the channel to something we can all watch?" because, the reply will be, "Refer to Rule #2 of this list".

12. And finally, please save your expressions such as "Thank God the World Cup is only every 4 years". I am immune to these words, because before aand after this comes the Champions League, Premier League, Italian League, Spanish League, KPL, FA Cup, Euro Cup, etc.

P/S

By the way if you get stuck on the road call the Police or AA.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Asante Sana Squashed Banana...

2010-06-10T01:11:00.004+08:00

You know the feeling when you're totally anxious of something? Something that you did very well and your very best and you tell yourself hard not to expect too much from it but you just can't help it? Then you start to think of the possibilities of the unexpected, something bad, and you feel like all your hopes and dreams will be shattered to pieces if they happen?

That's how I'm feeling right now. And I don't have hopes and dreams, I only have good plans.

Butterflies in my stomach is not a good thing.

But at least I've learned a lot. I've gained too much in my life, and I should know more than just to freak out. I know I'll be fine.

I've never felt this strongly before, and you know how I hate it when I start to notice my emotions.

By the way. I've been downloading a lot of Disney's classics in my McMarley here. Like really. I love the classic Disney movies. I grew up watching them. And I realized, contrary to popular belief, I mostly enjoy the non-princessey ones. You know, like Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Little Mermaid...it's not that I hate them, (my favorite female character is actually Belle from Beauty and the Beast) I just loved watching the animals more.

Oooh my favorite tear-jerker would be The Fox and The Hound. Damn that movie tells a lot about friendship.

I can watch Robin Hood, Peter Pan, The Aristocats, The Jungle Book over and over...ohhh there's just so many cool movies to choose from. The Sword in the Stone is down right funny and smart.

But my favorite Disney movie would obviously be The Lion King. The best scene in the movie is when Rafiki (the baboon) hits Simba randomly with his stick, Simba asks, "Oww geez, what was that for?" Rafiki replies, "It doesn't matter, it's in the past!" Simba says it hurts, and Rafiki says the past can hurt, but it's either you run from it or learn from it.

See? Only Disney can make a freakin' baboon THAT wise.

The best thing about the Magical World of Disney is, apart from the drawing, the colors, the characters, the music, the awards...all of these movies have hidden messages that we tend to miss out. You didn't think Disney is just all...Disney, did you? For instance, what was the point of releasing a movie of Alice in Wonderland to the kids while it's actually a story of a girl getting high and stoned after taking a trip down to the Rabbit's Hole..? Or that King Triton resembles Poseidon?

Oh well. You figure them out if you're attentive enough. I'm not going to bore you.

Anyway. Speaking of boring, why doesn't Disney do movies like that anymore??? All these 3D animation whatever freakin' technology has worn out the true Disney we've known and grown to over the years. Just watch the depth of Mufasa's reflection appearing when Simba was watching himself in the water, or the life-like nature of the forest drawn in Bambi during the 'April Shower'. Now THAT's what Disney was about. Bambi was released in 1942, people. 3D animation never existed.

Sigh. Good ol' Disney.

At least talking about this makes my mind wander off for a while.

Oh I miss Amy.

Which reminds me though, one of my cousins got engaged tonight and I got back from the reception a few hours ago. Am truly happy for her.

When I was there, I realized that these kind of things, just aren't my cup of tea. I mean those big receptions, big crowds, big smiles and pleasing other people with all the customs and cultural practices...really. I cannot live up to big expectations.

Don't get me wrong, with all due respect, I don't like the idea of telling everyone that hey, I'm engaged and I'm pretty and I'm very traditional and oh, I spent thousands of dollars for my grand wedding day - in order to force everyone to accept, respect and be happy for me.

For all you know, that so-called once in a lifetime day of yours doesn't buy you a lifetime respect from your meanest relatives and your big day will be forgotten in 3 weeks time. And you have to save your asses out for years to cover your expenses for your so-called once in a lifetime day, and there goes your honeymoon.

And that, is with all due respect?

But seriously. I respect women who'd go to farther extend in order to make your wedding day the grandest of them all. If you can afford it without having to deal with shortcomings in the future, then why not? It's self-satisfaction. But if you do it to please other people or to compete with other big weddings, or plainly because you're accustomed to big weddings, in 10 years' time, you will think, "what was I trying to prove to myself?"

I never thought much about my wedding day. I never liked big crowds and colorful customs and all those fancy fiestas. All I know is that it's honest and practical and I'm fully content, and the people who are close to me are there when I truly need them.

Come to think of it, that's how I want my marriage to be.

I'm such a sensible bitch, I have no sense of drama and imagination.

Amy should be delighted to marry me.

Or else.

New Look!

2010-06-07T22:17:00.006+08:00

Hey.

Permed my hair today. Even after the crazy episodes of bad curls I had, I still won't quit.

I had permed my hair six times through out my life, and that was just the perming. It doesn't include rebonding, relaxing, treatments, haircuts, styling, dyeing, et cetera et cetera. Come to think of it, it's such a grateful thing my hair never walk out on me after all they went through. The worst case I've ever had so far was my hair drying out and they can still be treated.

The last time I did my my curls was a disaster. Like, literally. Think Bee-Hive cum Pubic Hair. It was frizzy and huge and down-right nasty.

I never get it when people said I looked cool or cute with it. Is that a way of telling me I look like shit? I don't know. None offense taken though. I never liked it anyway.

The thing about me is, when I do anything with myself, I don't really mind what others might think, as long as I myself feel good and comfortable about it. So if I happen to hate it, then I don't mind people criticizing me either.

See, if I were to change, be it a haircut or attitude, I know it's for the best. If they turned out bad, who is to blame but myself? Right? I should've given the stylist a more proper instruction or picture of what I really wanted. Or demand a refund. Why would I blame other people who doesn't know shit?

I love going to spas and beauty salons. I like the idea of the effort of making others feel and not to mention look good for themselves. It changes lives.

And people do it for business as well.

As for me, apart from going there to make myself more presentable, I gain a lot of things by befriending these beauty people. I learn to do better make up that suits me, care for healthier hair, and even master a fair share of different types of massaging techniques. I learn on how they do their businesses, etiquette, and strategies. It's really a great thing.

But seriously. Google on 'Digital Perm' and search through the images. The machine freaked the HELL out of me!!!

However, I finally got my digitalized perm. I got it from my trusted stylist of 7 years, and while during the process I seriously looked like a mutant with an octopus of a head...the result?

Fabulous.

I look like a French-maid porn star right now with this hair, and God I feel gorgeous!

So.

On va chez toi ou chez moi?

*wink!*

If Love is Blind, Why is Lingerie so Popular?

2010-05-27T23:00:00.004+08:00

Most of the women I know have their own fetishes when it comes to fashion. Most of them are shoe-addicts (guilty), bag worshippers, into accessories, beauty products (also guilty), et cetera et cetera. I, am a rare find. I realized that through out my years of living as a woman, I have this seriously massive collection of lingerie.

I have a closetful of them I feel so Mariah all over.

I never actually noticed of my affection towards lingerie that much until a few weeks ago, I was starting to browse through new collections of Victoria's Secret bras online, and unlike watching shoes and bags on sale, I had this blast of familiar euphoric experience whenever I get to see a sight of a pair of sexy little sexy things to feast my eyes and soul out.

Seriously. It's a fetish. It's like, lingerie is my porn.

I have been collecting lingerie since I could remember, and they're the only garment that I actually take really good care of and look forward to wearing. Sure, I love my shoes, and bags. Bless them. But they end up like things that I would easily move on without or throw away. But lingerie, I never throw them away. They'd never betray me. They're my angels. My prettiest, naughtiest best friends. My secret weapons.

Ahem.

You see, we seldom realize that what people cannot see on the surface is actually something that makes an impact to you and your surroundings. In fashion, the thing that I totally dread and would absolutely go to the farthest extend in order to avoid and be caught wearing is - ugly under garments.

Jinx. Jinx!

The mention of it makes me shiver.

You know, I don't really care if I were to wear the most ugliest, cheapest, and horrific T-shirt and pants, but I'd be damned if I wear those hideous granny panties. Or worn out, torn up, or *gasp!* cartoon-printed bras.

Excuse me for sounding so Carrie Bradshaw, but as far as lingerie is concerned, I am down right high-maintenance.

If a guy won't let me buy expensive shoes or bags, I'll be Okay. But he's OUT if he won't let me buy designer lingerie.

Out.

Honestly though, I don't mind that much if a dress doesn't flatter me. But like hell I make sure I look good in my lingerie. It's an instant confidence-booster.

Imagine, having to wear all those gorgeous clothes and sultriest make-ups and finding out that underneath it all, you're all mismatched and worn-out?

It's like, covering a scalp full of dandruff under a royal, 400 bucks hair'do.

Or, looking at someone so hot and beautiful, while actually she's a scum, steals money from the poor, and has crabs.

Get it?

And don't give me that lousy excuse that you have not enough money to buy a decent (or not *wink*) lingerie while you can actually buy new dresses every freakin' month.

Seriously. You can say, 'Why would you want to splurge on something people cannot see, and stash on something that people can see and make a statement out of?' I mean come on!

Because wearing a pair of comfortable but sexy lingerie underneath everything, people will see you in a different way. It glows in you. And yeah, who says people cannot see them? There are several ways to show a peek of your inner wear without having to look slutty. I can assure.

And at least you know that that special someone deserves what he's eventually gonna see...no matter when.

Cheers everyone and Happy Gawai!

I Need (L)o(V)e.

2010-05-23T22:24:00.005+08:00

I need a job.

I need money.

I have needs.

Amy: So you can buy the new Speedy Bag and if you finally get your hands on it then you swear to your sweet ass that you'll never buy any bag again, ever?

Yeah...I mean, it's not just that...

Amy: Of course, in the next few months you decide that you need another one, just in case your other bags got bored with you?

Well, it's not just a bag...they have feelings you know...

Amy: And then there are those shoes you think would go perfectly with your new bag, and then it comes with different colors and you think, why not buy each pair?

Seriously.

He's freakin' me out. It's like he's a cynic psychic or something.

No man has ever figured me out to that extend. I'm very good at concealing my habits you know.

But then again. I need something that I can put my whole life in it. Something that I could depend on and be content with whenever I bring it. Something that makes me feel secure, and confident rain or shine. Something with an aura, a presence that I can simply adore and admire. Something hard but decent but sexy at the same time.

Amy: Why would you ask for that, you know you have me.

Amy, honey. I love you and all, but I'm not talking about you. I'm talking about a bag.

Amy: And I thought you was being sweet. I love you too.

Heee.

Why I Love My Man.

2010-05-21T23:09:00.008+08:00

I am not feeling very well lately.

Amy: So what did the doctor say? Are you Okay?

Me: It was some virus. It gives me flu and fever, and it affects my tummy. Since I have gastric and all, it makes it worse for me. And, my shoes got all tore up, I had to walk barefoot.

Amy: Your shoes tore? God today was THAT terrible???

And I'm feeling much better by now.

Cheers!

Not My Friend.

2010-05-18T16:47:00.005+08:00

Back in 2006, I was still with my Dick Boyfriend. Since I have no grudge towards him whatsoever, I realized I nicknamed him badly. So let's just call him, Nick.

Nick was the typical perfect high school boyfriend - good looks, great hair, great height, good grades, plays football, and the junior girls adore him.

Nick said he was always true to me. He said he loved me and would never cheat on me. He just controlled my social life just to protect me.

God was I a dumb-ass.

So. Back in 2006. In the ladies' room.

Not My Friend: Hey, I like your hair...

Me: Oh. Thanks. Yours is nice too.

Not My Friend: *giggles* you're Nick's girl, right?

Me: Huh?

Not My Friend: You guys are like, the power couple. Since high school, now he's going to Uni...you guys are strong huh?

So I finally got to get a look at this girl. She is definitely not my friend. I never even talked to her. How come she knew about me, about my personal life?

Then it hit me. She's stunning.

Me: So how'd you know Nick?

Not My Friend: *suddenly looked nervous, avoiding eye contact* We talked.

Me: You guys talked.

Not My Friend: Yeah, we went to the same tuition.

Me: Really. That's cool. So you're the one who Nick usually brings to lunch with after class, right? Nick told me that...*smiling sweetly*

Not My Friend: *suddenly cheered up* Yes! I'm the one...he's a really great guy, you know. He used to bring me to lunch every week.

Me: How interesting...and he did mention about trying to text you about some homework in the middle of the night...

Not My Friend: Oh that one! Yeah...I feel sorry for him, he's always texting me but I'm usually low on credit...

Me: Nice. And your name is...?

Not My Friend: Oh, silly me! I'm Neesa.

Me: Great. And he did mention that we broke up a few weeks ago, right?

Not My Friend: Yeah...He said he misses you like crazy. He's been a wreck.

Me: Haha yeah. That's funny. You're funny.

Not My Friend: I'm funny?

Stupid, Stoooopid girl. Such a shame, she's so beautiful.

I don't call anyone stupid unless I have my own reasons. First. She had a nerve talking to me about my personal life. Second. If she knew so much about us, then she would've keep her mouth shut about their secret lunches together, because NewsFlash, I never knew her, and obviously Nick never mentioned her to me which means I only made those questions up to trick her. Third. Wasn't it obvious that I was trying to catch her by asking her name? And last but not least. One second she's saying I was Nick's girl, we're the power couple, and the next thing you know, she claimed she knew that we both had broken up.

What the hell, girl.

Maybe she's that smart. If that's the case, then she has out-smarted me.

Like seriously, why did she come up to me and initiated that little chit chat in the first place?

So yeah. It was true though, at that time we had broken up a few weeks before, and I never accepted that he had really, like really cheated on me. Not just with Neesa, but my cousins, my friends, even my juniors...

I knew. I knew, but I thought he'd still come to me, that he'd still need me and love me more.

But anyway. I hate dramas.

And I realized that I'm not the kind of girl that can wait at home for her cheating man, and still love him because she knows that at the end of the day, he'll come back to her, and those women don't matter to him at all.

Other women can, but not me.

Because even if those girls mean nothing to him, and I mean everything to him, then why would he do it? Wouldn't be a waste of his time? Wouldn't it drag to more problems...?

I don't know.

So. Since I'll be flying away tomorrow, I went to visit my neighbor. I finally get to meet her son, whom I think is kinda cute. It's not that I was excited to get to know him, but I just wanted to see him. So yeah. When I walked into the house, turned out he had brought his girlfriend from Kuching. I thought, cool, let's mingle.

Then I saw her - the flowing hair, the cream porcelain skin, the dark eyelashes, the full lips, and the stupidity of them all.

Of all the places, of all the people, I was reunited with Neesa.

And even though she's all gummi bears and cherry pops to me -

She is still Not My Friend.

If I were to Start Thinking...Again...

2010-05-15T00:44:00.007+08:00

Bradley Cooper is hot.

Just so you'd know. And he's mine.

I finally got to watch New York, I Love You. It's a brilliant movie, I must say. And the funny thing was that I seemed to know what's next in every segment of the movie, every detail, every plot and dialogue. Am I that cool, or was it actually that transparent, I don't know.

Maybe I should consider writing for a screenplay.

Speaking of writing, I realized that I hadn't been writing much about my pieces of mind here lately. It's not that I've stopped thinking - because if I had, then I'd be dead. Or won the lottery. Or got married wearing a tutu on my wedding day.

A tutu.

Anyway. My point is, that every time I had the idea of what to write, once I was already infront of the screen, it's like hypnosis technology these days - I just stared at it for hours. My mind suddenly went blank and all I could think of was the light. You know - "The screen...I can't help it...It's so beeaauutifoooooool...."

You get what I mean. So now, I decided to what the hell, just start writing already. And I'm doing it right now. HA! You're not so powerful anymore aren't ya Mr. Screen-Light? You think you can control my mind and make me stop writing huh? Screw you! You're nothing but a thing with a...lamp. Or mentol. Or LED whatever but what the hell - You're just a thing. You can't think.

Honestly, why am I talking all this..?

So here's what I've been thinking recently. About people and what they do. Do you ever thought that for a second, what you do everyday would've been better if you have done something to it? Like thinking whether or not you should be doing what you do, but you just do it, and suddenly you realize you shouldn't be doing it because you are actually doing it the wrong way of doing that particular stuff to be done right?

Like for a start, thinking whether or not I'm making sense?

Because frankly I'm kinda lost in my own words myself.

Okay. I'll just go straight to the point.

If I were an officer, I would slow down my small chit chats with my collegues on the other cubicle. Because the less we talk, the faster my work would be done and I have no reasons to complain to the boss and wind up depressed when I get home from work.

If I were an educator, I would be happy. Because I work to educate and share the goodness of things and because if I do so, I have no point in blaming the students and the lack of income. Education, whether given or taken, is priceless.

If I were a lawyer, I would bit my tounge every time I talk too much. Because if I talk too much, it's cheap and manipulative, and I lost my credibility and respect in time. If I bit my tounge when I start talking crap, then I would not be mad and confused on why other people are so dumb and stupid to talk to.

If I were a doctor, I would write nicely. Period.

If I were a student, I would learn, and not study. I would enjoy discovering myself and the new things ahead. I would easily score an A in my papers and in life as well, if I intend to learn and not just study to pass the exams.

If I were a mother, I would put myself in my kids' shoes, rather than putting myself in my own shoes 20 years ago. Because if I do, then it wouldn't be so hard to understand them and their situation at the time, rather than comparing myself and my paranoia at my time.

If I were a father, I would learn to appreciate. Because no matter how good a father I am, it would be nothing if I never really realized from the very beginning of how much my kids mean to me until they're gone.

If I were a nobody, I would become a writer. Being a nobody is far more better than being a somebody. Being a nobody means you can appreciate life, and know how to handle the things which, a somebody actually needs.

If I were you, I would try my best in what I'm doing and be good to other people. I would write a comment to this post and say, 'you're such a great writer, I wish you could write a book' or if you're an editor or know a good publisher, I would comment, 'You have an extraordinary talent. I would like to know more about your writing, please contact me so we can do business together'.

Of course, if I were ME, I would catch some sleep now, and stop snacking. And if I were Gisele freakin' Bundchen, I would walk around naked, die, and go to heaven.

Toodles!

Chicken Beriyani Syndrome.

2010-05-12T00:48:00.005+08:00

I'm home...in Miri.

Oh it's so good to be back here.

But I miss Amy though. Very much. It's funny, coz we've been doing this 2 months' long distance thingy for 3 times since I was back in Semester 2, and the feeling's still there. Heck, I never even thought about a long distance relationship before even when I'm actually experiencing it.

We've been all right for the past year, so we're blessed.

I miss him. I miss talking to him at night. I miss having the time of my life with him. I miss having my meals with him.

Anyway, I'm full of missions for the long break. I've been looking for a job that doesn't require a monthly-income, like events where you can work on weekends just, or a part-time ad-hoc English teacher, but nada. It's not that I give out excuses for not working, it's just that I'll be going places in an average of every 3 weeks, so yeah. My timing is kinda jagged.

Ooh. By the way. I'll be off to Bandung this break, so you know what that means - SHOPPING!!!

Can't you just figure it out already??? That it's just so, SO cool being me?

Haha. Ooh. That means I gotta get back in shape. There was this great time a month ago right before I screw up my diet for some chicken beriyani meal I was this close to having the perfect figure I needed. But yea yea. First it was the chicken beriyani. Then the nasi lemak. Then the nasi Arab. Then the nasi kukus. Then all the freakin' nasi I wish I could just torch and burn every freakin' the paddy field in Malaysia! Grrr...

But I'm nice. I have the heart for the hungry needy.

Trust me, I feel them.

So yeah. I know I can manage to manage my weight this break. I need to get in shape. Like seriously. All these wedding (not to mention marriage) stories from my friends are scaring me shitless. It's not just what I want, people. I need to get fit and healthy in time.

I need to think that in time, I will be watching the warm and delicious spicy chicken beriyani with effortless ignorance and a hearty, I'm-so-thin-and-I-don't-need-you kind of laugh just to spice up my sarcasm.

Yeah. That's it.

So now, it's my second day of diet. So far so good. I even declined having a bowl of Laksa Sarawak just now. Seriously, that takes a lot of guts. You don't know my mother. Even the thought of chicken beriyani has already made me laugh.

...

Or run straight to the fridge and then jump out of the window.

Ahhh screw you.

Moving Out. Moving On.

2010-04-29T23:41:00.004+08:00

I am officially moving out of the house!

God I'm blessed.

The fourth semester is almost over, just 2 more final papers left.

Life has been so different lately, sorry for the lack of updates.

However, my mind, my heart, is very pregnant right now, but I don't think it's the perfect time for birth.

So yeah.

I don't know what's up with this phase of life. But for all that's worth.

I'm ALL right.

I'm Still Here!

2010-04-04T01:27:00.004+08:00

Busy busy!

I can't wait for this semester to be over. 2 more weeks, and I'll be cramming over my finals.

But I'll manage.

So what is new, huh?

Watched a lot of movies recently, since I had so limited time doing assignments and all, a movie is considered a long date already. So yeah. Amy takes his time after work to have those dates. We haven't had a long decent conversation for quite some time now, however, it's worth the wait.

I'm occupied for the future, dammit. I'm not busy doing stuffs that won't benefit myself anyway.

It's huge a relief that I finished my part for the presentations way before scheduled though. At least I have time to read some other stuffs for extra information and yeah, to blog. I missed writing here. I've been writing articles for assignments and they were not close as writing a blog.

I realized that in my whole 18 years of being a student, there is only one class that I never skipped. Amazing huh? Not amazing, it's pathetic really. And the worse thing is, it took me no effort at all!

It's the Editorial Page class.

Relevant enough I know. But hey, for 18 years, like finally, I still think it's a disgrace. Why wait 18 years to do such a simple thing?

Sheesh.

You know, lately I've been thinking a lot about the future, you know. It's not like the usual like planning and all, but now I'm starting to imagine myself in the future doing things and the stages I'll be going through...it's a deep thought actually. Sometimes depressing, but most of them I believe I'll manage. Because every time when someone asked me like interviews on what do I see myself in the future, since I could remember, no matter what my plans are, I always answer, "I'll be happy. I'll be content."

I was reminded to the faces of the people who previously asked me. God they looked funny.

Yeah well.

It's not that I'm trying to prove something, it's actually true. See, there's a difference between what you want to see in the future, with what you actually need there. So yeah, I can tell you guys what I imagined myself in the future based on my wants, but nobody ever set a proper guideline to answering such a simple question. And I believe a simple question deserves a simple answer. Plus, what if I never get what I wanted? It's better to look for what I need, and all I really need, is actually being happy and content with whatever that is become of me in the future.

I don't know if you guys think I'm over-simplifying things too much, but I still think it's a relevant answer.

I never got questioned back, by the way.

I mean, why???

Come to think of it, if they asked why, I wouldn't answer anyway. If they're smart enough, they'll understand.

With answers like that...let's just hope I'll get pass my interviews in the future though.

Cheers!

Sometimes when I start telling people how I FEEL...

2010-03-13T02:30:00.006+08:00

It gets ugly.

Like missing someone. It's a feeling.

I miss Amy.

Oh I really really do.

But once I tell...well let's just say, I learned my lesson - I shouldn't tell.

You know, I don't expect people to understand that much of my ways and all, but I sure wish people would know by now of how I think and work things out.

For instance, take my relationship for example. I am fully content with it, even given the situation I am in. I am happy this way, it's just that people tend to over analyze things and think that I'm not happy or satisfied with it.

Well, I think people should know by now of how I think. I may do things and make decisions that seem harsh and sometimes look strange and all, but in the end, those things always come out as something relevant. I believe in the simplicity of things, and sometimes it makes people never understand me.

Why complicate things? If a problem has one best solution, why would you opt for more unnecessary solutions first?

My ways of thinking goes like this. For example - If you like someone, doesn't mean that someone owes you anything. Am I right?

Same goes to this - If I miss Amy, doesn't mean I have to see him.

It's that simple. It's just a feeling. I don't believe that you should react every time you start feeling something. Maybe some people can let their emotions lead to action. I just can't.

For someone like me, I find it extremely hard to complicate things.

Anyway. I really do miss him. Very much. But I am happy the way things are between us, and we both agreed on something that can bring better to the future of our relationship. And I can see it becoming more obvious by now.

And the ironic thing is, I have never felt more secured in my life.

God I love that punk.

.......

That's a feeling, right? Love? So what do you think? Should I like, go to him in the middle of the night right now, against all odds, for a hug or a kiss..?

So sue me. But do excuse me for being so cynical.

I'm Kinda, Beeee-Zay.

2010-03-13T01:35:00.010+08:00

It's the weekend again.

Oh I miss Amy.

Just watched Lady Gaga's new music video featuring Beyonce 'Telephone'.

I was and still am overwhelmed.

Okay, first off, I admire Gaga's dark psychedelic crazily out of the norm sense of style and mind. I gotta give props to her for her artsy flashy self. She's a phenomenon that proves that something that doesn't make sense, does make sense.

However.

God I was shocked. Shocked at how explicit the music video is. Not just her videos, I mean all of these commercial music videos we are watching right now. Sex and violence are everywhere. Whatever happened to decency? If such a video can be labelled as commercial and of art-value, then who is to be blamed for the indecency and immorality of the world?

What do we tell our children?

Most of us claim that we believe in world peace, but what happens if the media indirectly spreads the opposite ideology of it?

What is the media trying to tell us?

I don't know.

I'm a freakin' media student, and I have no answers to that.

Maybe I'm getting old. Prematurely aging.

I never realized that I have this kind of maternal instinct, or whatever they call it.

I used to be very very open-minded, very liberal. Maybe it's just me. I have my own issues.

But there's one thing that I agree on in that video:

Beyonce: Trust is like a mirror. You can fix it if it's broken.

Lady Gaga: But you can still see the crack of that mother fucker's reflection.

True.

Nevertheless, as a free-spirited person, I do enjoy watching the video. I still admire Gaga because she's quite talented. And most of all, brave enough to be herself. I mean come on, why would you worship a crazy-looking lady in glasses made of cigarettes and a hairdo that involves cans of Coke if she's not being over-rated? Sure, she's talented, she's eccentric, and she's proud of herself, whatever it takes, she just bang! shows herself to the world.

Even if it also involves her SeeYouAndTee to prove herself.

Cheers everyone. The world is coming to an end.

Being the Third Person.

2010-03-07T01:27:00.006+08:00

Who likes movies?

I do.

Do you ever think or feel so strongly towards a character, to the point that you were shouting, crying, sympathizing or laughing at it? Like, when you know the girl is actually making the wrong decision of breaking up with her perfect boyfriend, you feel like shaking her shoulders and eat her head to make her realize how stupid she is of how much she's missing out on?

After a lot of thought, I reckoned I should ask the people I know about what they see in me. Since I don't really need to know what people really think of me, but I want to actually. Just out of curiosity, and boredom. My lecturer advised that I should really know of what others think of me, so that I can improve myself, and gain respect from them as well. So here goes nothing.

First off, I started to ask my family.

Sis: You get lost in your own world.

Mom: You're too independent, sometimes I tend to forget you.

Dad: You're in your 20's, girl. Period.

Then I asked a few of my closest friends.

Izie: You have slow reflex. I like your boobies.

Babe: You're scary. Emotionally retarded.

Anna: I can think of so many embarrassing moments that you encounter, but you never get embarrassed by it. We always do.

Mel: In a scale of a maximum 10, you think up to 20. I'll never get you.

Aida: You don't give a crap.

Ucup: You're voluptuous.

And my new friends had a few comments.

Mo: You're different.

Azlee: Disturbed.

Lecturers...

Miss Mel: You have a strong character, but you have a cold heart.

Mr. Iddin and Puan Haslita: Excuse me, do I know you?

Mr. Abuzar: I'm glad that our lady friend here has come to class...

Puan Maznah: You're charming, yet mysterious. God is great.

And I even asked a stranger. He's an expert.

Or so he claimed.

Master Chin: When I first see you, I have only these words for you - Cold as Ice. You have a strong sense of independence and confidence that you need no body. You think like a man, and you have difficulties in expressing yourself. You can be a good leader. You are a logic thinker. You are very loyal, and always a problem-solver. Your presence can bring peace to other people, and people never realize how much they need and love you. Your strengths are your appearance and state of mind, and your weakness is your emotions. You will get a good, prosperous life, maximum 3 kids. You will get married at a young age, and your second marriage will also be happening in your 20's. Here's your lucky number, go to the nearest 4-D dealer, and once you win, you give me 5 percent, can?

Freakin' fortune teller.

My lucky numbers happen to be 1101, by the way. Since I'm kinda broke, anything can do.

Anyway.

All I can wrap up here is that, what people see in me sounds 90 percent negative. But all I know that my friend always say that no matter what I do, at the end of the day, I know I can get them right. But am I all right?

I am actually.

See. I never expect other people to understand me that much, because I myself am learning to understand other people. But I realize though, that never in my life that people say positive, enlightening things like - "You're a good friend", "You are fun-loving", or "You're a happy person".

"You're a happy person".

...

You know, to tell you the truth, I never get people asking me, "are you really Okay with everything?" in my life. At all. Not even my parents. Probably it's because I give the impression that all is always well in the end. Not that I wanted that or anything, the least thing I ever wanted let alone needed is people giving me too much attention. But when someone finally asked me (it was Amy), I realized - I actually needed to be questioned like that.

I don't know what to expect in what people see in me, seriously. Why? Because of my natural ways of thinking. I believe that when we ask people about ourselves, there are several types of answers - sometimes people have the idea, but don't know how to put it. Sometimes people are naturally critical towards others. Sometimes people already planned for the answers. And sometimes, people tend to answer in spite of you, because of their emotional attachments or intentions towards you.

I don't blame others for that. I mean come on, if I were to blame others after listening all those comments, I personally think I myself is to be blamed above all. Why bother asking these people in the first place when you know you can't handle it that well, right?

So my point here is - like it or not, how you perceive a person depends on a 90 percent of your attitude, and only 10 percent of what the person you perceive actually is.

That's the beauty of asking people about how they perceive you. It's not just about trying to discover yourself, but you get to know other people's attitude towards you so you'd know how to tackle them in the future.

However, though, I do believe that there are things to be done in order to better myself, and yeah I admit, asking other people about myself can help me achieve that, even in a small amount. So, (I can't believe that I am the one who's telling you this) I think you guys should try asking other people about yourselves.

But that doesn't mean you only depend on what they told you, this is where you should know yourself and what you believe in in the first place first. Because believe me, at the end of the day, who's life is it gonna be?

So it is important to put yourself as a third person, watching your every move. Okay, I know it gets confusing at times - first I told you to put yourselves first. Then put yourselves in other people's shoes. Now, as a third person? Well, let's put it this way - Put yourselves first, as a priority. Put yourselves in other people's shoes, in order to understand them, to keep you grounded. Put yourself as a third person, to get to know yourself. Think, when you get to watch a movie about your life with yourself as a leading character, what do you see?

Do you feel like shaking your shoulders and eating your head just to know how foolish you are of the things you have missed out on?

Thought so.

With ALL Due Respect, people. Please.

2010-03-07T00:07:00.013+08:00

You got a lotta nerve to say you are my friend. When I was down you just stood there grinning. You got a lotta nerve to say you got a helping hand to lend, You just want to be on the side that’s winning.

You say I let you down, you know it’s not like that. If you’re so hurt, why then don’t you show it? You say you lost your faith but that’s not where it’s at. You had no faith to lose, and you know it.

I know the reason that you talk behind my back - I used to be among the crowd you’re in with.

Do you take me for such a fool to think I’d make contact. With the one who tries to hide what he don’t know to begin with?

You see me on the street, you always act surprised. You say, “How are you?” “Good luck” - But you don’t mean it.

When you know as well as me, you’d rather see me paralyzed - Why don’t you just come out once and scream it? No, I do not feel that good when I see the heartbreaks you embrace. If I was a master thief, perhaps I’d rob them.

And now I know you’re dissatisfied with your position and your place. Don’t you understand -
It’s not my problem?

I wish that for just one time you could stand inside my shoes. And just for that one moment I could be you.

Yes, I wish that for just one time, you could stand inside my shoes.

You’d know what a drag it is...

To see you.

Potato, Potahto, Tomato, Tomahto...

2010-03-03T23:41:00.008+08:00

I just love that song.

It's ironic, but true.

If you're planning to break up with your partner, the best, most cutest way to do that is to dedicate this song to that person.

It says that you can't tolerate more with your differences, even how much you both try to give and take.

In simple English - it's not working out.

It's funny, you know. When you've had enough of something, you tend to search for the most absurd excuses to let go of it, so that you won't feel guilty.

You like Bananas, I like Bahnahnas, you say Havana, I get Hahvahnah,

Bananas, Bahnahnas, Havana, Havahnah. Go your way, and I'll go mine.

I mean come on, on the surface, just because you don't pronounce the same you just can't make it.

But on the other hand, if you can't manage to even sync in the smallest things, what is to be of the bigger things to come, right?

Well, like I mentioned, why complicate things when you can simplify it?

You don't have to give and create excuses, if things just don't work out - be it assignments, relationships, friendships, work, etc - just tell the truth.

Excuses, make even the most proudest people look damn weak.

Seriously. Whenever I start making excuses, the less I respect myself.

Pyjamas, pahjahmas, vanilla, vanella...

Let's call the whole thing off.

These Boots are Made for Walkin'

2010-02-26T22:47:00.013+08:00

And that's just what they'll do.

And one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over...you.

I swear.

I just saw my annoying housemate walking in and suddenly that song just came to mind.

You know, whenever there's a karaoke night with my friends, that's the only song that I sing best.

I know, I have a very low (if not no) tone in my voice.

My voice, it's not all melodic. It's not even high-pitched like my other fellow female species. I have this deep, sorrowful voice, that when I talk in a higher tone it turns out to sound fake and depressing at the same time.

But I consider my voice sounding professional.

Amy just loves to mock my voice, I have a sneaky feeling that he's just so obsessed, maybe my voice is sexy after all.

I am that positive.

Currently, I am stuck at home, with no place to go, nothing to do, no invitations, on a Friday night. For the first time, I declare myself a loser. Zero social life.

Even Babe is out for a movie, all primped and dressed up.

I'm hungry, and I think I'm gaining weight. In fact, I am. I busted my diet since the last five days, and the scale never lies. I lost 7 lbs after 2 weeks of diet, and gained 6 lbs back after five days of happiness.

Now I'm back to basic.

Sigh.

Anyway, Amy will be spending time in Penang with the boys this weekend. I'm going to miss him dearly, really.

Speaking of the devil, it's been a while since I rode his bike. The first time we went out, he pressed a whopping 250 miles per hour, and I still had a lot to think and analyze on the way. He kept on asking if I am a biker chick, and after a few other dates he finally said that never in his life he found a lady so effortlessly composed on a bike, without any naggy complaints after the ride. Because right after our short 15-minute ride to Cyberjaya, all I said after unfastening the helmet was,

"You messed up my hair! Oh well."

Went to the ladies' room, a little brushing here and there, and I was up for dinner.

Yesterday, Amy was driving and he kept on grinning to himself - you know that grin? The kind of grin that you know he's thinking about a crazy something that involves you, but all he does is keep it to himself, and leaves you dying to know even if you're never curious by nature?

That grin.

"What's with that face?" I finally asked.

"I can't stand but look at you."

"Why?" I was waiting for a maybe sweet reply, and then -

"I like your hair, you look like John Lennon."

That son of a gun.

"Now all I have to do is buy you a pair of round-rimmed glasses..."

Seriously. I thought that maybe in time he finally says something that I can predict, but nada.

Anyway...I always loved big bikes. When I was little, I wanted a super bike for my 6th birthday. I've always wanted weird things back then. Yeah well, now is no different but that's not my point. You see, I wanted to drive a truck all my life, and my dream car was and always be a '67 Fastback Mustang. I loved playing Legos and was afraid of dolls.

I'm not saying I was a tomboy back then (though there was a period of time...) because I do have stuffed animals, Polly Pockets, and dinner sets. But I enjoy the weird, unexpected stuffs.

But I will always love Disney...!

Right now, I am no different. I have an eclectic sense of interests. I never liked flashy sport cars, but I do like flashy fast bikes. I never liked collecting accessories, but I have a huge addiction for shoes and lingerie. I have a closetful of lingerie back home. I don't know what it is with me and lingerie, and if there's anything mighty expensive I wear and never intend on buying cheap is my lingerie. Sure, I can wear the most cheapest clothes, shoes, bags, whatever, feeling all content, but I'll never wear cheap lingerie.

Never.

I will never be caught dead wearing cheap lingerie. It's either matched or lacy, or nothing at all.

'Nuff said.

And yeah, I like Mob movies, Ben 10, football, leather jackets, dark coffee, machine guns, sometimes I get my hormones confused. And I'm also into rock music - not the new ones, the old school rock songs. And thanks to me, even Izie can consider herself a head banger as well. I like the 60's and 70's. I believe those were the best eras.

But I also enjoy jazz, and RnB. I enjoy the oldies, I even have a collection of songs from Sinatra, Nat King Cole, Dean Martin to Elvis, the Everly Brothers, Herman's Hermit, even Barry Manilow. You name it. I embrace the multiplicity. I like watching chick flicks as well, as long as it's not that superficial. Even if I don't like all feminine stuffs, but I do appreciate women who know and use these things at their advantages.

It's hard to tackle what I want, who I am.

But I tell ya, I do not look like John freakin' Lennon.

But all in all, for me, anything goes. It's just that it's hard for people to know exactly what I like, and do not like.

I like ideas. I like independence. I like books. I like Gandhi.

But I admire Hitler as well.

See?

I am a walking, smiling contradiction.

But I am relevant.

And no matter how much disappointed I am with the remark Amy gave me, I think John Lennon is psychedelic-ly sexy.

And I like my voice.

Cheers!

Funny Men for Dinner?

2010-02-20T21:47:00.006+08:00

I always think that funny men are attractive.

Really, I do.

Most funny men aren't conventionally handsome and all, but for me that's what makes them sexy.

Because I believe, that they're funny, for a reason. And funny people are smart people, because they are trying to send out their messages in a way that people can't seem to understand at first. They use the indirect approach to make a point. People laugh, people relate, then people start to think. And I think it's a brilliant, yet cynical tactic to make sense out of something.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking all comedians, because I don't get slapsticks. I never get them. But funny men, especially stand up ones like Jerry Seinfeld, Adam Sandler, Alec Baldwin, Russell Peters...Even the local ones I enjoy AC Mizal's sense of humor.

And Homer Simpson. Homer is the best freak show ever.

Ever!

Speaking of Homer, I'm officially on a diet. I feel lighter already (lighter, as in less fatter, not smoking lighter - pfft whatever that means).

Eheh.

So yeah. I can feel my jawlines getting more visible. Me like it. But the thing when I get thinner is, my face looks kinda weird. My eyes look more prominent, my chin looks pointier, my nose and mouth look so tiny...wait, I have freckles?!

Or its just the mirror, I don't know.

And the funny thing is, I don't look for food that much. I only get thirsty a lot. Which is, I think is a good thing.

But I still have the cravings for pasta though...

I'm watching Tv. I don't watch that much, so if I do, my mind starts to wander a lot...I have too many questions in mind, and that is why, I prefer watching sitcoms to get the answers.

Who says sitcoms aren't intelligent?

I'm All Right.

2010-02-20T18:34:00.014+08:00

I once wrote in one of my previous posts, a question about relationships:

"Do you ever ask yourself, am I falling for a guy for a reason, for a season, or for a lifetime?

I've been past Season and Lifetime, and they suck big time. But right now, I really feel like I'm heading for Reason."

In relationships, I never gave up that much. And as far as I'm concerned, I only gave up once in every relationship that I was in, and that's the end of it. And there must be a good concrete reason to make me do so. I am the person who is willing try, and try, and try, till I suffocate, and breathe again.

But what happens, if I suddenly feel like giving up, without a concrete reason?

Have I already had enough? Or simply because I don't want to get hurt again? Am I searching for a reason? Or am I searching for an excuse? Don't I love him anymore? Or is it because I love him so much?

But come to think of it -

What do I know so much about love anyway?

Maybe I don't need a reason to give up. I need a reason to believe that this thing can work out. I need a hell of a reason to make me believe that he understands me enough, - of my fear, my emotions, that I don't have to tell him, - he just knows.

I need a reason to stay.

Today, Amy took me to his arms and suddenly said,

"Don't give up, Okay?"

...

Then I realize, that THAT reason, was and always be, Amy.

And that's when I know, I'll be all right.

I'm Love Sick.

2010-02-20T17:50:00.006+08:00

I'm walkin'.

To the streets that are dead.

Walkin'.

Walkin' with you in my head.

My feet are so tired, my brain is so wired,

And the clouds are weepin'.

Did I,

Hear someone tell a lie.

Did I,

Hear someone's distant cry?

I spoke like a child,

You destroyed me,

With a smile...

While I'm sleepin'.

I'm sick of love,

That I might think of it.

This kind of love,

I'm so...

Sick of it.

I see.

I see lovers in the meadows.

I see.

I see silhouettes in the window.

I watched them till they're gone,

And they leave me,

Hangin' on...

To the shadow.

I'm sick of love,

I hear the clock tick.

This kind of love,

I'm love sick.

Sometimes,

The silence can be like thunder

Sometimes,

I wanna take to the roof and plunder

Could you ever be true?

I think of you.

And I wonder.

I'm sick of love,

I wish I never met you.

I'm sick of love,

I'm trying to forget you.

Just don't know what to do...

I'd give in to be,

...With you.

God Bob Dylan sure can make you feel something.

I'm Not There.

2010-02-17T07:31:00.005+08:00

A friend told me, that I should write when I feel sad or depressed, or having butterflies on my stomach.

......

I feel like I cannot smile anymore.

My body aches so much I feel like...I've fallen from a state of mind.

My senses screech so much I feel like my self. My heart, my soul. Would never. Disappear, they're just.

There.

And I feel like don't need them anymore.

And I don't need help.

I feel like drowning, and I have no will to try.

No will at all.

I can't breathe.

I feel so down.

I just can't write like this.

I'm sorry.

If Animals Can Talk...

2010-02-14T18:42:00.007+08:00

I adore animals so much, that I much prefer humans get killed rather than them.

Seriously.

I mean, come on. I know by rules on why people kill stray dogs and cats, but here's a thought.

If we have the power to kill homeless animals that stray, bring diseases, or annoy us so much, - why not kill the homeless people, the criminals, the orphans, the clowns, for all I care?

Why can't we do that?

Because we are no different.

Animals can't talk. And humans only understand their own language.

As much as I like to admit how much I despise animal haters or abusers, I only can say how much I don't get these people. Trust me, no matter how hard I tried to find any reason for them to be such, in spite of being a less judgmental person I am, I failed to think of a reason.

I get it when parents abuse their children. I can understand why people can be rapists, or corrupted. I can compromise the idea of war, discrimination, racism, sexism, drugs, human trafficking, homicides, suicides, jokers, love-haters, whatever. Heck, when a baby is being brutally murdered, I still can accept the common sense of it, because a baby can grow into being a bad person.

But when humans, with all the wits and guts in the world, abuse or kill a small freakin' cat...

I can never understand them.

All right, forget all the emotional appeal to that, let's talk logics here. I mean, where are your common sense? How low are these people to think that they are superior enough to kill an animal? Can't they get somebody of their own size? Or kind?

Sometimes I think, people abuse these animals because they're bored or retarded enough to think that they can get away with it.

I don't know.

I seriously don't get it.

Don't get me wrong, am not saying I never killed an ant. I cringe at the sight of a cockroach. Though I seldom killed them, I always scream "Sorry!" every time I do. I only kill when I have at least 5 good reasons to. And I let them die as fast as I can possibly manage to because I don't want them to feel the least amount of pain or suffering. Or else I'd just run away. Or yell. Or knock myself off.

But that's not the point.

I am not a vegetarian. I do eat animals. I get it when people kill animals for survival. But what I don't get is the idea of abusing to kill animals.

What if animals can talk and rule the world? I bet they have a lot of things to say.

And to think we are so much superior than them, think - Animals, they have nothing to lose.

So come gather 'round people, it's the year of the Tiger.

Stop. Animal. Abuse.

Smoke on the Water

2010-02-12T00:44:00.003+08:00

I can't sleep, so I thought about crappy stuffs.

Like assignments.

There's this elective course I'm taking - Interactive Advertising. I have to design a website about a brand that I can relate to myself. I have no idea to choose which brand, or how I'm going to design the freakin' thing. I am not that artistic. I don't even know which designing software should I use. Heck, I never knew there are softwares made for designing websites!

I am the most pathetic, technologically-retarded 22 year old ever.

But I do have some brands in mind. So after a few thoughts and consideration, here goes nothing.

Lecturer: So what are your interests?

Me: I like to simplify the complexity of things, I like confidence, anything vintage, sexiness, music, big vehicles, perfume, ...

Lecturer: Interesting. What brand do you relate to?

Me: I'm torn between two. It's either Victoria's Secret, or Mustang.

Lecturer: Or what?

Me: Ford Mustang? '67 Fastbacks?

Lecturer: *curled his eyebrows* Oh.

Me: Looks like I'm gonna choose Victoria's Secret then.

Lecturer: Good. Let's hear your idea of a metaphor.

Shit.

Me: Well, I brainstormed (for a long second) and I think Coffee wold be appropriate?

Lecturer: And why is that so?

Me: Uh, because being confident is sexy. And being sexy is like having a good warm cup of coffee - it warms up your soul and gives you the energy to be up all night?

Lecturer: All night? *laughed* So it is a cup of coffee for you. Why coffee, and not tea?

Me: (Because I didn't have any answers to that;) I think coffee is relevant enough.

Lecturer: *awkward silence* Okay. Approved.

.......

Now look what I'd put myself into? I never really thought of a precise brand, and answers for those questions. It was just a little brainstorming, and I was actually hoping he could help me with that.

And what was it about having the energy to be up all night? What kind of metaphor was that?

So I went back to my seat, and listened to my iPod Shuffle playlist. Then it hit me.

I changed Coffee to Smoke on the Water.

The fire in the sky...

It shows how something absurd can make sense. And with confidence, you can be really cool on the inside, and hot on the surface as well.

Plus, it's Deep Purple.

Now if only I can imagine how smoke on the water looks like...

I Care. Really.

2010-02-11T17:48:00.004+08:00

In life, there are certain things that I embrace.

I embrace music, for everything it is. I embrace my independent nature. I embrace my sense of logic. I embrace my sexuality. Though am sometimes not proud of it, I embrace my individualistic trait. And I embrace the ironies of life.

That's why I embrace the people around me.

Since I don't have class on Friday, the break has just begun.

But I do have a lot of assignments to be done for the week.

You know, the thing about me is, I do my job, no matter how hard it is. If I permit myself to do something, then I'll do it, against all odds. But. no matter how easy a task, if I won't let myself do it, then screw it.

That's where my individualistic nature comes along.

Aida told me yesterday, "You always look like you don't give a crap about anything, you know that?"

So I said, "I don't mind anything, really. But people tend to overlook if I care or not."

See, minding and caring are both different things. Since I suck at showing emotions, people tend to think my heart is made of carbon.

Well I don't mind the people and their differences, because I care about them.

Get it?

.......

Haven't ate the whole day, and I still feel fat.

Who cares?

Giberish Shiberish

2010-02-09T00:55:00.004+08:00

Currently at Bintang Sidewalk, watching the rerun of last night's game.

Chelsea won against Arsenal. Again. God Chelsea's so dope!

Amy, eat your pants!!!

But you know I love you baby.

I have Media Law test tomorrow and God I hate memorizing the acts and dates and the unnecessary terms and phrases...

Well I have a fancy word for ya.

IMPLEMENTATION.

Ha!

Yesterday I hung out at my high school seniors' crib, as usual. There are 4 generations of high school batch and I'm the super junior. I'm the only female and it also happened that I was the only female that used to go jamming with them once upon a time ago. With all due respect, who would've thought that these high school evils would end up to be the good ones. Even I were their mixed subject of bully and affection at the time.

Despite that fact, I believe they all leave high school behind them.

High school is the period where everything was of the extreme.

High school is so over.

Cheers.

Weekend is a-Glee...

2010-02-07T00:28:00.027+08:00

Went to The Curve with the girls to have some serious shopping, and then the ATM machine swallowed my card.

I wonder how far would 9 pieces of a dollar note can go for the weekend...

Freakin' technology.

Babe is with her family right now in KL and as much as I'd love to accompany her for the weekend, I have a group discussion and a proposal to be done. And I have a quiz on Tuesday. But I admit, sometimes I do miss the family stuffs. We both bonded because we are family friends, so being with her family feels like being with mine.

It gets lonely sleeping alone on weekends.

But anyway. I'm currently watching 'Glee'. As usual, I started watching Glee due to Anna's and Izie's enthusiastic passion and persuasion. But unlike Gossip Girl, which took me 4 months to finally had a reason to watch, I was quite interested with Glee when Izie told me, "Being a music person, you should watch Glee."

So far I've watched 7 episodes. My take? - Cool Attempt.

Attempt for what, I don't know how to put it. For changing the idea of show business? For spreading the message that people are not 100 percent bad, nor good - they just make decisions? For having to bring back and remix old-timer songs to relate with teens who deal with new things in life? For portraying how stupid adults can be compared to teenagers? I don't know. But I do grow quite fond of the characters, because they create a love-hate relationship with you - and you don't get that much on teen dramas/comedy/musical/whatever.

I don't pay much attention to the story line, I watch primarily for the music. My favorite comeback song in the show so far would probably be 'I Wanna Sex You Up' by Color Me Badd. God I thought the song was already extinct!

Anyhow, I think the show has its values and messages, and since I only see the big picture of all things, I can summarize only two things from the show - Music brings the best and also the worse of people; and, You are unique - just like everybody else.

Ironic, I know.

That's why I'm still here.

Hair-loom

2010-02-05T19:37:00.004+08:00

My hair is back to basic.

No more annoying waves, no more waking up early in the morning having to spend time blow-drying and treatments, no more fiddling my fingers to my tresses just to make it less frizzier, no more silently complaining how hot it gets in the evening, and no more alarming bee hive incidents every time I came across a mirror.

In short. No more extra care.

You see, extra care, makes us extra careless.

I get mix reactions whenever my friends see me with this new hair. Some said, "You look so matured!", or "I like this look on you, you look sexy", and "You look so different...your hair is not big anymore. I could barely recognize you, until I saw your bag." bla bla bla.

Well, most of my friends prefer my old hair. It's the same thing when they saw me when I dyed my hair black, they said I look better in blonde. But the ironic thing is, the first time they saw my hideous curls, they kept on telling me I looked good and adorable. Perghhh. Friends.

Never in my life, people call me 'adorable'.

It's an insult.

I am not adorable. I'm not all cute and cuddly. I don't have furry key chains and pink dresses. I don't have a melodic tone when I speak. People don't adore me. They just simply like me.

Coz I'm hell-a awesome.

But I love you guys anyway.

Back to my hair. The reason why I did my hair is simply because I want my original hair look back. I made a lot of pretty wild things before, and I believe it's time for me to start over to square one.

I don't know if my friends noticed but doing my hair is not the first and only change I did in order to get myself back on track.

But anyway, I am happy with my hair, and I'm happy that I have my old authentic look.

.......

Even if it takes some emotional stress, 4 hours of back pain (I did my assignment in the salon), and a freakin' 200 bucks to get it.

Cheers!

Let the Mind do the Watching.

2010-02-04T20:37:00.004+08:00

I am an observer.

Not in a way that I pay too much attention to the details, but I do make a good conclusion by observing through the whole picture.

Seriously. I have no sense of imagination.

I once wrote an article for my high school yearbook, and they let me choose between two essay topics - Money is the Root of all Evil; or Coffee or Tea?

I chose the latter. Why? Because the first one was boring, and c'mon, how do you expect a 16 year old would talk against money when they never really ever earned it?

You can ask me on what is it with coffee or tea. But I have a hard time imagining the color, the texture, the cup, the table, whatever.

So I wrote nothing about coffee or tea, but I wrote on what I perceived towards the topic - "Choices".

Get it? I hate it when people ask me questions about details, because I don't think that way. I see the big picture rather the smallest things. It's the same with problems, I only see the root, then I find a simple solution. I don't mind map on things, I just list down.

I don't know if this observer thingy is a good or a bad thing, because being an observer means, you analyze and try to understand a certain scenario for your judgments. Or simply do it just for fun. But what happens, just when you thought you were only having fun, you saw something discreetly bad, something that you know would affect others in a deadly way?

What would you do?

See, people like me, prefer to think and do. But not talk. And once we do things, people start questioning.

And how do I react with questions?

I question them back.

But that doesn't mean I expect any answers.

Soul or Significance?

2010-01-20T14:21:00.003+08:00

A Soul Mate is someone who happens to be a mirror image of who you are. Your Soul Mate makes your life more easier, and secure because you would know everything about that person, just as you know of yourself.

A Significant Other is someone you are usually in love with, and living with your Significant Other is might be easier, BUT. Living without your Significant Other is said to be suicidal.

Izie believed that your Soul Mate doesn't have to be your Significant Other, and vice versa. But I also believe that both can be one single character or person, like most people believed in.

These people are so in love they have no idea, really.

Anyway, which would you choose?

Settling down with your Soul Mate, or with your Significant Other?

Living easy with the person who you can see and discover yourself in him, or, living and learning more with your Other Half that completes you?

A penny, for a thought.

Cheers.

Tuesday Class Lessons

2010-01-20T02:20:00.056+08:00

Just got back from Subang. I feel old hanging out there already.

Today was pretty hectic. I hang out with Serena the whole day and we finally had the time to actually have fun like we were back in our First Semester. So I agree with Anna's status on Facebook - "Keep your friends close, but keep your GAY FRIENDS closer."

I seriously have nothing to talk about. Just a few brainstorming I had in my head like always.

For instance, it is a strange reflex mindset for Malaysian that we usually get anxious and afraid whenever cops are around, while actually the idea of having authorities around are supposed to make us feel safe.

Second, in our Corporate PR class today we talked about ethics. Law equals to what's wrong is wrong, and what's right is right. If you do something wrong, then you get your punishment. If you do something right, then it's either you gain something, or you're plain safe. But when it comes to ethics, there is no right or wrong. If you do the right thing, then good. If you do the wrong thing, you don't get sentenced or punished, but you create a perception. So my questions - do we live our lives based on law or ethics? Do you prefer having black and white or an in-depth perception as your guidelines? Do you live for your religion, or principle?

Third, in Media Law class, the labelled "class losers" talked about bullies. They said that bully is not just physical, but also other stuffs - like judgements. So it got me thinking, these so-called class losers whom the popular ones used to make fun of actually are strong enough to face judgements and be who they believe themselves to be. Trust me, if I were in their positions, I wouldn't even dare to bring myself in front of the popular ones. But they didn't even bother talking back, or bitching around - they just do their thing. No matter how stupid or foolish they look like, I salute them for having a sense of stability and the guts to face judgements. So. My question arises - do you prefer being the person sitting down WITH your judgements towards other people, OR being the person who sits down and be able to STAND UP FOR it?

Get it?

Anyway, there are a few more brainstorming I had for the day but I'll share with you guys some other time. I have class in 5 hours and I have to catch some sleep.

Then I realized, I stopped having sleeping disorders for quite a while. Until now.

I will never realize that until I start complaining to myself 2 minutes ago. So I guess we never realize a good thing that happened to us until it stopped and we start to complain.

So start complaining, and be grateful for it.

Cheers!

Wedding Bells!

2010-01-18T19:34:00.004+08:00

It's in the news, on the media, on Facebook, in my head, in my heart - I don't know if I can take this anymore!

I hear wedding bells everywhere!!!

Yesterday after two weeks of not seeing each other, Amy asked me out for a movie and a talk. I was not expecting anything too fun last night since we had a small communication breakdown and we were too busy for the past weeks, but I missed him and I'm sure he missed me too.

So we talked. And I learned that no matter how we tend to blame men for not appologizing that often, it is actually the women who struggle with the word "Sorry, it's my fault."

And I feel so in love right now! Aaack!

Anyway, today right before class, one of my dear friends asked me to model for bridal gowns. I agreed because I thought it was just a class or internal project, but turned out it was a real thing. I mean, magazines, billboards and all those creepy stuffs. Seriously. I wouldn't want to be driving around the city with my face ginning on the billboard looking like a beaming bride. How desperate will I look? I mean, it's scary. Though it's nothing actually, but I don't want to risk that. And I'm sure you guys wouldn't want to risk watching me either.

And you know the saying - the one who tried too much wedding gowns will never get married?

So I took back the offer, and decide to model for a better version of the 'real thing' bride. I thought a lot about marriage and stuffs. I know from my previous posts I sounded kind of scared by the thought of it. But somehow, now, scared is not the word - I'm up to it - but I am seriously considering it. If you know me well, I wouldn't be talking about serious matters just because I they just came across my mind. So by that, in this case, I am sure and ready to get married, but at the same time I am digesting it to be part of my life sooner. Get it?

Anyway. Brandon, one of the guys we used to hang out with last semester, got hitched early this year. He is 24 and his wife is 30. You know something, it's not the age, nor the fact that our friend whom we used to fool around with was now is married that bothers me. In fact, I don't know what's bothering me. You know, Brandon is the kind of guy that people would look twice when he passes by - tall, shoulder-length hair, chiseled face, great bod, and funny. He even flirted around with one of my friends, and me as well. But it's nothing too serious though, but still. That was a few months before he got married.

So what is that?

People would judge and think that he's a no good two-timer, and a cheater will always cheat on his wife. Poor girl, fuck Brandon. But I believe that once he's committed, then he is. How he does it, only God knows. And who knows maybe his wife wouldn't mind if he cheats for all we care, right?

And I remember the last time I met him, when he and I drove around town to have a talk. That night, we didn't fool around, and he didn't even tried to flirt with me. For the first (and the last) time, we acted like civilized, committed (though not with each other) adults.

So we talked about things that we never talked often - the future. He talked about his girlfriend (now his wife) and I listened. At that time, the word 'commitment' was an internal issue for me. So I suddenly asked him, "How can we keep on like this? For how long?"

"I don't know. I will get married soon. But I don't think I'm ready. I will stop only when I'm ready."

"How can people like us become ready if we keep on doing this? How can people like us COMMIT?"

For the first time, his talkative big mouth went shut.

Then after a while, he said, "I believe it is possible for people like us to commit, if one of us can speak up and has the guts to ask questions like that."

He drove me home, and that's the last I've seen of him.

At first, I didn't mind that much of our conversation. But now, it makes a hell lot of sense to me.

I used to feel guilty and afraid about having midnight rendezvous with him especially with all the possiblities we can have with each other. But after that conversation, I am now sure of myself, that I believe I can commit - no matter how young, how wild, how selfish, or how different I am among the usual people whom we can label as 'commitment-material's.

A few days after, I received a simple text from him, saying, "Thanks. For everything."

And I'm sure he learned his lesson too.

For all we know, he's now married, and I'm pretty sure he's happy with it. Though people might think he can't manage to do it, I, as a representative of 'people like us' believe that he's ready enough to face commitment.

So don't judge people without a critical eye. But at the same time, don't critisize what you don't understand.

Wedding bells, huh?

Why not?

P/S
By the way if you get stuck on the road call the Police or AA.